The Feminine Mispeak

After having coffee with a couple of friends this morning I was reminded of how important it is to spend time with my girlfriends.  I also learned that there is a controversial new book out called The Feminine Mistake.  This supposedly is a follow-up to the groundbreaking book Betty Friedan wrote in 1963, The Feminine Mystique, which rocked the cultural core of our society.  It disputed the popular idea that women during this time could only find happiness taking care of their husbands, becoming mothers and staying at home with the offspring of that choice.  

 

Friedan suggested that men returning home from World War II did two things.  They got their wives pregnant (baby boomers ring a bell?) and also turned to them for mothering.  Of course that is no surprise.  Most white middle-class suburban women totally yielded to this need as that is what we do.  We take care of those we love.  What could be more fulfilling than being a wife and mother?  On top of that, this all started at a time when new innovations were supposed to relieve us of the drudgery of housework. But that often had the result of making women's work less meaningful and valuable. God forbid!  What to do, what to do? I know!  Develop a sense of dissatisfaction, that's what!  Let's see how that worked...

 

The eyelet curtains in the kitchen were all bleached and starched.  The meatloaf was in the oven, the wash was done and the kids were at scouts.  You reapplied your makeup before your husband came home so you looked fresh instead of the way you really felt. You had a drink waiting for him and then heard about how his day was and were totally interested in everything he said because after all, he was at work all day.  

 

Flash forward forty plus years.

 

The Feminine Mistake.   (2007)   

 

The author of this book, Leslie Bennetts, talks about women who quit their jobs to become full-time mothers and don't realize the risks of economic dependency or recognize the benefits of work. Suddenly, we aren't so fulfilled anymore.  Because of this women are putting themselves many times into a false sense of security and giving up their ability to befinancially independent.  She feels that women are not being told the truth about how much they are giving up or what the hardships can be if the marriage ends, a spouse becomes ill or she becomes a widow.

She also reports that work derives big benefits in addition to getting compensated.  "Despite the undeniable challenges of the juggling act, working women tend to be happier and even healthier than stay-at-home moms, in ways that have been documented by a broad range of surprising medical, psychological and social science data. Their incomes give them power in their marriages and options in the larger world, not to mention opportunities that benefit their families. Women are socialized not to brag, but it's very gratifying to make money, be successful, and get recognition for your work. Like most men, many working women wouldn't even consider giving up such rewards."

In addition, they have now shown that children of stay-at-home moms don't fare any better than those of working moms.  Oh great.  Just when I had gotten over all of the guilt I have felt for taking a nap when the kids were younger instead of taking them to the park or to see the Remarkable Loon juggling act downtown.  Or being too tired to listen to a song one more time, or dragging Sarah by one arm through Marshall Field's because she was naughty.  I can still picture her little sparkly red shoes trying to keep up with my anger-filled stride. I could have been at work instead.  Good times.

Wait a minute!..Is what I have been doing the last 17 years a mistake?   Should I feel even more guilty about the choices I have made than I already do?  Have I not planned accordingly or protected my own interests adequately enough?

The author writes "It shouldn't be news that educating ourselves can help us to make smarter choices. You wouldn't buy a car without doing some comparison shopping and researching the advantages of different options, would you? So why would you make a major life choice that could jeopardize your future without informing yourself about the risks -- and the alternatives?"

I totally agree with her but here's the thing.  To coin Bennett's phrase, I have been a CHO (Chief Household Operator) for the last twenty years. To not stay at home with my children was not something I could negotiate in my mind.  I was staying home.  That is what my mom did and all the moms before her.  I know there were risks with that decision but I chose it on blind faith.  I could not leave my children in someone's else's care.  But I never was critical of women who could.  That is their choice and they probably were/are more secure now.  But many working mothers that I encountered were always critical of my decision.  I had woman say to me directly "I don't have time to make home-made muffins...I'm more than just a stay-at home mom."   Ouch.

The Feminine Mispeak  ( By Me!)

The bottom line is that you can't program for a moving target.  Bad things happen.  You deal with them as they happen.  That is life.  It is like a business that needs to be managed everyday.  You don't need to pretend you are a social scientist to know that.   A woman, working outside of the home or not needs to consider the problems she might encounter in the future.  She cannot live in a fairy tale.  She should have a contingency plan to protect herself on all levels.  Between natural disasters, school shootings, illness, death, war and the economy, who knows what lies ahead?  The important thing is that we as women, have choices.  We need to support one another with those choices and not tear each other down.  There is no right or wrong choice on this matter.  Both decisions are complicated.  As women, we are already second-class citizens.  There should not be such a disconnect between us.  If we turn against each other over this issue, who will be eager to listen to us when we need to bare our souls to someone?  The men?  The children?  It is the women;  moms, sisters, friends.  We all have that in common.  Hang on to that.

 

Visiting the Red Zone

 GO BUCKY!

It finally has come to this.  I took my oldest daughter on a college tour last week and found out something I already knew.  I miss being in college and it isn't 1982 anymore. 

 

We toured my alma mater, the University of Wisconsin-Madison.  The campus is still beautiful, the student body still diverse, the trek up Bascom Hill still exhausting, the Memorial Union still has music on Friday nights, the classes are still huge, the professors are still boring, Memorial Library still has study cages, Babcock ice cream is still delicious and I still miss it all.

 

Never mind that my parents told me that it would be the best 4 years of my life.  Like most things in life, you don't appreciate that fact while you are experiencing it.  You are too busy living it and think it will go on forever. I miss living on Langdon street and planning Friday classes around Thursday night escapades.  I miss the Rathskeller although I can go there anytime.  I miss my sorority sisters and communal living.  With that living came housekeepers who cleaned our rooms, made our meals and adorable frat boys who served them to us.  Yeah, I miss that.

 

I miss the school spirit.  During the information session, the speaker told us about the UW games and the student spirit but she summed it all up when she told us that when on a walking tour, a young man came flying by on his bicycle, flipped it into a bush and jumped up safely yelling "GO BADGERS"!  You don't get that everywhere.  As a side note, you might want to take a look at this clip from You Tube just to be reminded of what a football Saturday at Camp Randall is like.

 

Click here: YouTube - Jump Around Badgers  

 

I miss visiting my Dad who worked on campus as a fund-raiser for the UW.  Maybe that has something to do with my "there is no better school for the price" attitude.  I also figured out why he was in that line of work.  Being in that environment keeps you young and in touch and a continual student of life.

 

Back to the classes are still boring.  Sarah and I audited an Art History class as part of our time on campus.  I was amazed at how many students use laptops to take notes during lectures.  It is so simple now.  Plus, there is the added bonus of variety.  When you get bored, you can quick check your I-Tunes library right before you doze off for a few minutes.  Not like the old days.  We noticed that those who did not have laptops, in between taking copious notes, were either reading the comics or doing Sudoku.

 

When I sat there during the information session, there were people there from all over the U.S.   I wanted to jump up and shout "I am an Alumnus.  Of course you want to go here!  Why do you need convincing?  There is no better school!  Just ask me, ASK ME!"  But at the risk of embarrassing my daughter more than I already do, I thought better of it.  I hope that she decides to go here but I will leave that decision up to her.  I will tell her that it will be the best 4 years of her life and she will ignore me.  I will go hang out with her on the Terrace and live vicariously through her life.  I know she will be close but I will miss my first born being gone.  But at least I know what she will be experiencing.  UW pride.  The kind you get when you are singing the Varsity song at any athletic event and you know you've earned the right to sing it.

 

Between you and me...she looks great in red.

Semi-Lame Ass Cooking

For those who know me best, cooking has not been one of my strengths.  I always understood the concept of cooking.  I just never understood how it applied to me.  If I couldn't boil it, microwave it or order it from a nearby eatery you could forget about a fussy meal.  A few free afternoons, remote firmly in my hand , I wound up on the Food Channel.  Imagine my surprise, weeks later, to find out that I am officially now a “foodie” who times her day by the Food Channel programming.  I buy kitchen gadgets and take classes from Williams-Sonoma.  I enjoy reading the forwards of cookbooks.  I watch The Barefoot (rum makes everything better) Contessa everyday at 4:00p.m.  How can you not love someone who says "the cupcakes are just a vehicle for the frosting"?  I marvel at her casualness in the kitchen as well as her dedication to her husband of 38 years.  Dear Jeffrey.  Mind you they live apart during the week.  That may have something to do with it.  Now I only buy "good" vanilla and "good" mayonnaise.  I no longer am afraid of roasting winter vegetables.  I have learned that garlic is my friend.  But most of all, I have learned the importance of lemon zest.  How empty my life was until now.  Dear God, perfect ice cubes again!

 

I grew up in the comfort food generation.  Every good Midwestern mother tailored her cooking skills by picking up recipes in women's magazines while waiting for her children at scouting meetings.  Staples at our house were macaroni and cheese, baked spaghetti, tater tot casserole, chicken and rice and the dreaded meatloaf.  My brother should have been a surgeon.  He could dissect my mom's meatloaf on his plate into three separate piles:  meat, onions and the mystery pile.  He could stuff her brussel sprouts under the table into a secret crevice until they dried out and fell to the linoleum.  I can still hear my Dad shouting "Bobby, do you know why the dog won't come out from underneath the kitchen table?"  Mind-bending and appetizing at the same time.  But I digress.

 

 "It's sooooooper simple..."

 

I  have become addicted to the food shows in the afternoon hours and just when I get used to the idea of really cooking and creating good meals, comes Sandra Lee, Miss Thing, with Semi-Homemade cooking.  My first thought was that she had a sugar daddy who bought mama a time slot on cable.  Bingo.  Just when I get clear focus on cooking techniques comes a show that teaches us how to trick our friends into thinking the meal was home-made.  God, I've been doing that for years.  Teach me something new.  My mind is going and I hate doing Sudoku.  I need visual stimulation.  Everything Sandra teaches is "super simple."  I need complicated now.  Is that so wrong?  I need tips that are more elaborate than "use a hot pan, it helps the food cook quicker."  Furthermore, I don't want to hear one more time that she "loves butter and sour cream."  No way.  Not with that size 2 figure.  Except for the figure, I honestly think I could do a better job with this time slot. 

 

And what about the tablescapes?  Besides putting together a crappy dinner, we are then supposed to coordinate it with a hideous tablescape and some sort of exotic "tini" to drink.  Every episode showcases an alcoholic beverage to go with the lame-ass, I mean, semi-homemade dinner.  Hope the kids can do the dishes while mommy takes a power nap after dinner.     

                                   

 

                                                                                              

 

I can see it now.  Housewives across America serving boxed food for dinner, drunk off their butts with hideous tablescapes that are so overdone.  Kids!  Don't touch the Eiffel Tower display!  It goes with our frozen, I mean home-baked French Fries.  Anyone care for a "Eiffeltini?"  Bien sur!  Mais oui!  Ooohhh la la lame ass....

Give me The Barefoot Contessa and a bottle of Rum anyday.  Please.

                            +

Musn't See T.V.

Nancy DisGrace

 

If not for an occasional trip to the gym and time to kill watching T.V. on the eliptical, I would probably have never seen the Nancy Grace talk show on CNN.  I have decided that she is an insulting entertainer playing the role of television host.  Here were my first thoughts;  other than the frequent rants and rages by Grace there was this uncanny resemblence to Linda Tripp.  Remember Linda from the Monica Lewinsky days?  Unfortunately, much like Linda, I didn't take to Nancy at all.  I found her abrasive and overbearing.  Here is what else I found out.

 

Nancy Grace portrays an expressionless, helmet-haired talking head of the legal persuasion.  But did you know that the reason she sought out a career in law was because her fiance was a victim of a random murder?  This time it's personal...   

  Lovely Linda

She also is an investigative detective, investigator, psychiatrist and psychic.  (Not really, she just plays them on T.V).  So many hats for a CNN Legal Analyst!  Unfortunately, her agenda is creating drama and obscuring facts.  She is not about analyzing and presumption of innocence until proven guilty.  She is about entertainment...if, that is, you are the type who watches a NASCAR race in hope of seeing a spectacular crash..  She appears to know the truth of who did what in any current or not current tabloid crime. Irregardless of new information that comes up, she sticks to her opinion.

 

Case in point:  Trenton Duckett.  In case you have been living under a rock for the last 4 months, Trenton was (and hopefully still is) the 2 year old son of Melinda Duckett.  He was living with his mother in Florida when he suddenly was reported missing by her in August of 2006.  The father was cleared and all fingers pointed to Melinda.

 

 

Cue Nancy Grace.  Ambush Queen.  If anyone knows who done it, Nancy does.  After the pounding, relentless, accusing interview under the guise of CNN getting widespread attention for Trenton, Melinda Duckett shot her head off with her grandfather's shotgun.  With her head blown away Melinda took with her any hope of knowing where her son was and if he was  alive but just stashed somewhere. Nancy had better hope that Melinda did it.  Otherwise it puts her in the unfortunate position of jeopardizing any hope of getting answers for Trenton's family.  But self-important Nancy would deny she played any role in it. 

 

Of course if Nancy had any integrity at all as a journalist or a human being for that matter, she would have thought twice about running the interview of Melinda before she took her life.  Not Nancy.  There were Nielsen ratings at stake!  Pure sleezy entertainment value.  Here's the kicker...the viewership rose after that particular show.  What does that say about us as a nation?  I think we all know.

 

All I can say is let Jon Stewart have a crack at her!  Can anyone say Tucker Carlson?  Gotta run...Nancy Grace is on...

A Fair Wisconsin?

 

...at least we had hoped so.

 

                           

              

 

 

"Welcome to my neighborhood which is now safe for good God-fearing people of generous natures. They have insured that same sex couples will be denied the dignity of caring for each other in sickness at the same time that they have demanded the lives of criminals for the first time in over 150 years. Wisconsin...a great place on a Great Lake."  (From my friend Jim of Racine.) 

Muffin Tops Be Damned!

Muffin Top:
	The unsightly abdominal spillover that results from a woman wearing a too-tight pair of low-cut pants or shorts.

                                                       

                                            

Stop the waffle irons and pizza ovens!  The International Journal of Obesity published a top ten list of why we as Americans are expanding out of our capris, cargo shorts and clamdiggers.  Unless you have been living under a rock since the beginning of time, you know that it's pretty much been about diet and exercise.  It seems that no matter how much we want to look like runway models, we are all genetically pre.disposed to accumulate fat in certain predictable patterns.  Now there are finally some additional theories we can sink our teeth into. 

Here are the top 10 additional factors that are contributing to our pulchritude.  (Of course I had to lend my own twisted interpretations of each being the workout hound that I am).

1. Sleep deprivation: There’s no doubt that Americans are getting less than the recommended eight hours each night. Now researchers claim that too few hours of slumber cause hormonal changes that lead to weight gain.  It would help a great deal if we lived in California and could watch The Daily Show, Seinfeld, Reno 911 and The Colbert Report before 10:00 every night.   All we need to do is move to LaLa land.  Then we can watch it at 8:00 and still hit the linens by 10:00.

2. Endocrine disruptors: These synthetic chemicals in the environment disrupt the action of weight-related hormones in the body (think estrogen).  Think night sweats, mood swings and watching the play "Menopause."  No more needs to be said, right ladies?

3. Comfortable temperatures: When you’re too hot or cold, your body uses energy to warm you up or chill you out. Make the temperature controlled and comfortable and you lose the calorie-burning bonus. (Since 1978, the number of homes with central air conditioning has increased more than 30 percent.)  Let's see.  Last week we had a heat advisory.  The kind where the news anchors suggest you check on your elderly neighbors from time to time.  It's 96 degrees outside.  Too hot.  Go inside into the air conditioning.  Too cold.  We are screwed and gaining weight either way.  California here we come.  If you really want to get depressed about the hot weather go and see Al Gore's Inconvenient Truth about global warming.  We don't stand a chance if heat causes weight gain.

4. Fewer smokers: It’s no secret that smoking increases metabolism. The question is: What can you do that also revs up your metabolism that does not kill you?   Good question.  Keep smoking and add something loaded with aspartame.  Like an ice cold Tab.  Hey if you are going to go at least be hydrated and caffeinated.  Nix the move to California.  No one smokes there.  At least not in public.

5. More medications: “Many medications, including anti-depressants, anti-convulsants and steroid hormones cause weight gain, either by water retention orincreased appetite.” Bloated, happy and convulsion free or bitching, crying and writhing on the floor?  Tough call.  Bring on the meds and fast!

6. Population changes: America is growing older and becoming more ethnically diverse, particularly among the Hispanic-American population. Both of these groups, people over the age of 35 and those of Hispanic descent, have above average rates of obesity. Have you seen the portions at the Cancun Restaurant, Laredos or Pedros?  Ca rumba!

7. Older birth moms: Women are waiting longer to have children. Studies show that an adolescent girl’s risk of becoming obese increases by 14 percent for every five-year increment in maternal age. Hey!  Women are having children in their teens here and are still overweight.  With that in mind, being 20 and with child doesn't sound appealing.  Nor does being 25 with 2 kids and possibly divorced.   Waiting sounds good despite the risk.  Besides, there are 9 other items on here that may get us first.  Even if we do eat right and exercise.

8. Prenatal influences: Overweight moms, and those with gestational diabetes, have been linked with bigger babies. In fact, one study found that over-fed pups produced heavier pups than a control group, and the heft persisted for two subsequent generations. My cousin was rail thin and smoked and still had a 10 pound baby.  You just never know. 

9. Natural selection: According to scientific theory, overweight people out survive their leaner counterparts because they can draw more energy from fat stores. Wait!  This sounds like a good thing!  I knew there was a reason not to lose weight.  Get me to my friends Ben and Jerry's for a little Chunky Monkey.  I want to cut my losses now!  Just in case a famine is coming.  Or more hot weather.

10. Overweight people procreating: No rocket science here. When two overweight people have kids, their children are more likely to experience weight challenges than a child conceived by skinny people.   Of course it doesn't help when these same  "people of size" are allowing their offspring to have french fries and funnel cakes at Noah's Ark in the Wisconsin Dells.  

Maybe now I can stop doing leg lifts to get rid of my "banana folds" and arm lifts to get rid of my "wings". At least I don't have "cankles" yet!  

Goodbye "Fifth Beatle"

 Billy and his buddy George

 

I remember back in the mid 70's hanging out at my friend Kayce's house in Maple Bluff.  Kayce was my partner in crime.  From riding matresses down the staircase when her parents were away to watching her brother Michael driving the car up and down the driveway at age 13.  That later event led us to believe that we had something over Michael thus allowing us to go into his room without permission.  We were risk takers, Kayce and I.  We had just painted our nails while watching the Sonny and Cher show. We were wearing towels on our heads to pretend we had hair as long as Cher's.  It was on this particular night that Michael made the mistake of leaving his room unattended.  The sound of a 45 record playing on his turntable floated out of his room.  It was the most amazing funky sound of a Hammond B-3 organ I had ever heard.  I was ecstatic.  The music invited me into Michael's unattended room.  What could have possibly enticed me to enter the older (and cute and popular) brother of a friend's room uninvited?  The musician:  Billy Preston.  The song:  Outa Space.  It was incredible.   

 

Billy Preston died June 6th.  Most people don't know that he, while having many of his own hits, had a real gift in making others sound better.  He performed with a few little known bands like the Beatles and the Rolling Stones.  He was brought in as an outsider to relieve the growing tensions between the members of the Beatles.  He also performed with music royalty like Ray Charles, Little Richard, Steve Winwood and Eric Clapton.  He wrote Joe Cocker's hit "You Are So Beautiful" and was featured on the latest albums of the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Neil Diamond.

 

I would be remiss not to mention his unique look.  A mushroom-shaped tower of an afro and a gap-toothed smile.  I will never forget watching his hair and his engaging presence as he banged away on his organ. Suchgreat hits as "Will It Go Round in Circles" and "Nothing from Nothing."  Picture all this while he was wearing platform shoes and bell bottoms.

 Billy Preston, favorite sideman...

 

Although Preston was only officially credited with one song to the Beatles; "Get Back,"  he was an incredible musician who enjoyed solo success in his own right.  And he gave me quite a memory to reflect on at my friend Kayce's house that night over 30 years ago.

 

 

In His Own Words:
In this sound clip, Billy Preston remembers meeting the Beatles in Hamburg.

Here, Billy talks about his experience with Let It Be and playing his solo on Get Back.