After having coffee with a couple of friends this morning I was reminded of how important it is to spend time with my girlfriends. I also learned that there is a controversial new book out called The Feminine Mistake. This supposedly is a follow-up to the groundbreaking book Betty Friedan wrote in 1963, The Feminine Mystique, which rocked the cultural core of our society. It disputed the popular idea that women during this time could only find happiness taking care of their husbands, becoming mothers and staying at home with the offspring of that choice.
Friedan suggested that men returning home from World War II did two things. They got their wives pregnant (baby boomers ring a bell?) and also turned to them for mothering. Of course that is no surprise. Most white middle-class suburban women totally yielded to this need as that is what we do. We take care of those we love. What could be more fulfilling than being a wife and mother? On top of that, this all started at a time when new innovations were supposed to relieve us of the drudgery of housework. But that often had the result of making women's work less meaningful and valuable. God forbid! What to do, what to do? I know! Develop a sense of dissatisfaction, that's what! Let's see how that worked...
The eyelet curtains in the kitchen were all bleached and starched. The meatloaf was in the oven, the wash was done and the kids were at scouts. You reapplied your makeup before your husband came home so you looked fresh instead of the way you really felt. You had a drink waiting for him and then heard about how his day was and were totally interested in everything he said because after all, he was at work all day.
Flash forward forty plus years.
The Feminine Mistake. (2007)
The author of this book, Leslie Bennetts, talks about women who quit their jobs to become full-time mothers and don't realize the risks of economic dependency or recognize the benefits of work. Suddenly, we aren't so fulfilled anymore. Because of this women are putting themselves many times into a false sense of security and giving up their ability to befinancially independent. She feels that women are not being told the truth about how much they are giving up or what the hardships can be if the marriage ends, a spouse becomes ill or she becomes a widow.
She also reports that work derives big benefits in addition to getting compensated. "Despite the undeniable challenges of the juggling act, working women tend to be happier and even healthier than stay-at-home moms, in ways that have been documented by a broad range of surprising medical, psychological and social science data. Their incomes give them power in their marriages and options in the larger world, not to mention opportunities that benefit their families. Women are socialized not to brag, but it's very gratifying to make money, be successful, and get recognition for your work. Like most men, many working women wouldn't even consider giving up such rewards."
In addition, they have now shown that children of stay-at-home moms don't fare any better than those of working moms. Oh great. Just when I had gotten over all of the guilt I have felt for taking a nap when the kids were younger instead of taking them to the park or to see the Remarkable Loon juggling act downtown. Or being too tired to listen to a song one more time, or dragging Sarah by one arm through Marshall Field's because she was naughty. I can still picture her little sparkly red shoes trying to keep up with my anger-filled stride. I could have been at work instead. Good times.
Wait a minute!..Is what I have been doing the last 17 years a mistake? Should I feel even more guilty about the choices I have made than I already do? Have I not planned accordingly or protected my own interests adequately enough?
The author writes "It shouldn't be news that educating ourselves can help us to make smarter choices. You wouldn't buy a car without doing some comparison shopping and researching the advantages of different options, would you? So why would you make a major life choice that could jeopardize your future without informing yourself about the risks -- and the alternatives?"
I totally agree with her but here's the thing. To coin Bennett's phrase, I have been a CHO (Chief Household Operator) for the last twenty years. To not stay at home with my children was not something I could negotiate in my mind. I was staying home. That is what my mom did and all the moms before her. I know there were risks with that decision but I chose it on blind faith. I could not leave my children in someone's else's care. But I never was critical of women who could. That is their choice and they probably were/are more secure now. But many working mothers that I encountered were always critical of my decision. I had woman say to me directly "I don't have time to make home-made muffins...I'm more than just a stay-at home mom." Ouch.
The Feminine Mispeak ( By Me!)
The bottom line is that you can't program for a moving target. Bad things happen. You deal with them as they happen. That is life. It is like a business that needs to be managed everyday. You don't need to pretend you are a social scientist to know that. A woman, working outside of the home or not needs to consider the problems she might encounter in the future. She cannot live in a fairy tale. She should have a contingency plan to protect herself on all levels. Between natural disasters, school shootings, illness, death, war and the economy, who knows what lies ahead? The important thing is that we as women, have choices. We need to support one another with those choices and not tear each other down. There is no right or wrong choice on this matter. Both decisions are complicated. As women, we are already second-class citizens. There should not be such a disconnect between us. If we turn against each other over this issue, who will be eager to listen to us when we need to bare our souls to someone? The men? The children? It is the women; moms, sisters, friends. We all have that in common. Hang on to that.
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