She also reports that work derives big benefits in addition to getting compensated. "Despite the undeniable challenges of the juggling act, working women tend to be happier and even healthier than stay-at-home moms, in ways that have been documented by a broad range of surprising medical, psychological and social science data. Their incomes give them power in their marriages and options in the larger world, not to mention opportunities that benefit their families. Women are socialized not to brag, but it's very gratifying to make money, be successful, and get recognition for your work. Like most men, many working women wouldn't even consider giving up such rewards."
In addition, they have now shown that children of stay-at-home moms don't fare any better than those of working moms. Oh great. Just when I had gotten over all of the guilt I have felt for taking a nap when the kids were younger instead of taking them to the park or to see the Remarkable Loon juggling act downtown. Or being too tired to listen to a song one more time, or dragging Sarah by one arm through Marshall Field's because she was naughty. I can still picture her little sparkly red shoes trying to keep up with my anger-filled stride. I could have been at work instead. Good times.
Wait a minute!..Is what I have been doing the last 17 years a mistake? Should I feel even more guilty about the choices I have made than I already do? Have I not planned accordingly or protected my own interests adequately enough?
The author writes "It shouldn't be news that educating ourselves can help us to make smarter choices. You wouldn't buy a car without doing some comparison shopping and researching the advantages of different options, would you? So why would you make a major life choice that could jeopardize your future without informing yourself about the risks -- and the alternatives?"
I totally agree with her but here's the thing. To coin Bennett's phrase, I have been a CHO (Chief Household Operator) for the last twenty years. To not stay at home with my children was not something I could negotiate in my mind. I was staying home. That is what my mom did and all the moms before her. I know there were risks with that decision but I chose it on blind faith. I could not leave my children in someone's else's care. But I never was critical of women who could. That is their choice and they probably were/are more secure now. But many working mothers that I encountered were always critical of my decision. I had woman say to me directly "I don't have time to make home-made muffins...I'm more than just a stay-at home mom." Ouch.
The Feminine Mispeak ( By Me!)
The bottom line is that you can't program for a moving target. Bad things happen. You deal with them as they happen. That is life. It is like a business that needs to be managed everyday. You don't need to pretend you are a social scientist to know that. A woman, working outside of the home or not needs to consider the problems she might encounter in the future. She cannot live in a fairy tale. She should have a contingency plan to protect herself on all levels. Between natural disasters, school shootings, illness, death, war and the economy, who knows what lies ahead? The important thing is that we as women, have choices. We need to support one another with those choices and not tear each other down. There is no right or wrong choice on this matter. Both decisions are complicated. As women, we are already second-class citizens. There should not be such a disconnect between us. If we turn against each other over this issue, who will be eager to listen to us when we need to bare our souls to someone? The men? The children? It is the women; moms, sisters, friends. We all have that in common. Hang on to that.
4 comments:
WOW! Thanks for keeping in your life.
When our children are young I think most of us would like to chose to go with the most important job, and not the job that pays. We make our choices based on what benefits our family the most, and there is no right or wrong in that decision. We need to remember that no matter which job we take (full time mom or paid employment), it doesn't guarantee success and fulfillment. It is up to us to make those achievements, and that can be done by making home-made muffins or the big $$ deal. With either one, if you screw it up, you're going to go hungry.
Speaking of wise girlfriends....you totally nailed it!
Boy, was this entry timely. With 2 girls off to college and me left wondering how to pick up where I left off when they were young and I decided to leave the workforce to be a full-time mom. We have recently had many of discussions with each of them, to encourage taking care of business, getting their careers established and full-filling their own personal desires regarding work prior to committing to another person. Sure hope they're listening.
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