Wag the Dog

So I am in my favorite coffee house in Madison where I do not have a name other than "molto sugar-free vanilla breve lady."  It was a sunny Sunday morning.  Jazz music was playing in the background, the place swelling with people.  Groups of nameless regulars, families and random loners.  Unshaven and coiffed, high-heeled and Birkenstocked, pierced and preppy.  Fantastic day for people watching.  But wait!  There are more than just people to watch in the coffee house.  Now there are dogs. Dogs!  Little dogs but dogs none the less.  Their owners were the outdoorsy types.  Maybe just in from a run or something.  Four adults sitting around the fireplace with two little white canines in tow.  So I thought to myself  "what is this, Europe?"  Since when do we pet owners get to have brunch with our pooches in a place of  food service?  Maybe in New York or France but not Madison, Wisconsin. A city that prides itself on not being too sophisticated or too fashionable.  A place where most people still have a good parka and a casual parka in their closets for the cold weather months.

  I wanna go outside where I belong!

To add insult to injury I read recently that many New York restaurateurs have reported a jump in the number of diners that want to bring their dogs inside for "emotional support."  You read it right.  Like seeing eye dogs these are emotional support dogs.  Some actually have doctor's letters requesting that these people be allowed to bring their "emotional service dogs" into restaurants and even airplanes, offices and health spas.  In 2003, the Department of Transportation clarified policies that allow people with depression and anxiety to be given the same privileges as blind or deaf people who need animals.  Outrageous.  Talk about abusing guidelines.  I am pretty sure that the reason these dogs were having coffee with their owners had little to do with emotional support and more to do with a sense of entitlement or ignorance.  The manager told me later that she could lose her license if dogs were in there.  Of course the owners never asked if it was okay.  They just assumed so.

  Do you like my hat?  I do not like your hat!

 

Being a little sad myself lately I started to think about all of the places I could take my dogs when I might be in need of some "emotional support."  This is just a short list of places I came up with.

1.  At the doctor's office when getting weighed.

2.  At Parent-teacher conferences.

3.  When crossing Monroe Street without a flag. 

4.  At my Pilates class and gym after neglecting exercise for awhile

5.  In the gym's locker room while showering with others

6.  Returning merchandise without a receipt (limitless locations for this).

7.  Confronting owner of car whose rear-view mirror I have just sheared  off with my car.  (3rd one this year).

8.  Before boarding a plane.

I could go on but you get the point.  Next it will be horses and goats.  You watch.  It will happen.  

A Bigger Bang to the Head

 Keith Richards, rocker since the beginning of time... 

I have written about the Rolling Stones and their icon status before.  I think they are one of the greatest bands of all times.  They defined an era and continue to rock those of us who still appreciate them.  I am a little worried though based on events of late.  Could Keith Richards, the co-glimmer twin along with childhood friend and alter ego Mick Jagger be heading for a permanent fall?  Could the hedonist rocker who was quoted as saying "Cold turkey is not so bad                                          

 

after you've done it 10 or 12 times" taken his last bang to the head? 

Richards fell from a tree in Figi and had been under medical observation since the tumble in late April.  Surgery was performed to relieve pressure from a blod clot on his brain.  His family says he is up and talking.  No one can understand a word he says...just like before the fall...so they are pleased with his progress.

  "Before they make me run..."

He's acknowledged as possibly one of the greatest rhythm guitarists in rock & roll but is even more well known for his excesses of the rock lifestyle.  His massive consumption of drugs and alcohol could have wiped out The Fixx, Led Zepplin, ELO, Jefferson Airplane, the Kinks, Bad Company, INXS and 10 other bands combined.  He can't let something like a little fall on his noggin' be his demise.

If his claim is true that he wrote (I Can't Get No) "Satisfaction" while sleeping, maybe the use of his head won't be as big a deal as I think.  Maybe he will write his best material to date.

Let's hope so.

"SoaP"

Just when I had become comfortable flying again comes the frenzy of a new threat aboard airplanes to be considered.  This time in the form of a Samuel L. Jackson film.  Snakes on a Plane or "SoaP" in the abbreviated form that movie fans are calling it.  It is receiving tremendous attention and is not even set to be released until next summer.

That being said, let me say this;  I have a flying phobia. This movie will probably not help that.  To those who know me well, this is not news. I have been afraid of flying not since September 11th, although that catastrophe sealed the deal.  I have hated flying since college.  But on a positive note, in the last two years I have flown more than I have my during my entire life. I have recently been negotiating in my mind the idea of not having to get into bed with the "Captain" and his companion Diet Coke when I fly.  In the past, I had to be in an almost catatonic state just to board a plane. Granted, drinking and flying had its perks.  I met a lot of people.  Leaving my drinking ways behind meant I would meet a lot less people on planes than I had in the past.  That reminds me of a couple of stand-outs I have met. 

My favorite was that sweet Mormon boy just returning from a two-year stint at Michigan State. I will never forget him. Elder Brian Willis.  He was returning to Snowflake, Arizona to see his family of 12 and the 1 year old sister he had never met. He told me not to be afraid on the plane.  His mother hadn't seen him in 2 years and that he was going to get home safely. I told him at one point that I might be drinking straight from the bottle and if that was a problem he might want to change seats.  He didn't.  I got a nice bible as a parting gift as I stumbled off of the plane. Then there was the politician from Beaver Dam, a nice Irish lad who would have loved to have joined me in my condition but  had an image to uphold.  Oh, and it was 10 in the morning.  Wouldn't have been the first time I am sure.  And then there were those sweet elderly ladies just returning from Vegas.  Nothingwas staying in Vegas once I got ahold of them.  Man they could party.  If I left airplane drinking behind that meant that I would potentially not have those fantastic stories to repeat at luncheons and tennis get-aways for the rest of my life.  But I decided to change my perspective about flying anyway in spite of the social losses involved.  That was before now.  Cue the landing gear. The idea of flying and snakes is a whole new animal. 

Before the announcement of the movie and the snake scenario, I had gotten over the idea that there may be unanticipated wind shear, terrorists on the plane, a hidden bomb, a mountain appearing out of nowhere or an unsuspecting bird flying into the propellers and being sucked out of the plane and hurling (still strapped into my seat screaming) into the great beyond as the engines shut down.  Or worse yet, free falling into a large body of water with waiting sharks below.  Once more comfortable with flying I stopped writing farewell notes once the turbulence started and quit thanking the pilots and crew with tears in my eyes at the end of each flight.  I started jumping to the front of the line to get off of the plane, no longer as courteous and grateful once on the ground safely. You get the picture.                   

I was secure in the notion that since 9/11, terror in the air movies had fallen out of favor.  That was until next August when SoaP will be released to the big screen.  Never would I ever have worried that an FBI agent might be on my plane, having to fight a plane full of snakes let loose by an assassin intending to kill someone under the witness protection program.  Silly me.  That thought never occurred to me. What was I thinking?  Dropped that detail I guess.

With all the internet's hype through fan sites and blogs it has become an internet darling with "snakeophiles."  Now I will have to fly pretzel style with my feet tucked up so a snake can't bite them.  Arrrrggghhhh!  What, me worry?  Xanax anyone?  I'll take the generic form please!

What will they think of next? Snakes in your bed?  Snakes coming up through toilets?   Ridiculous.  Like I haven't already thought of that.  I have to close my eyes during the reptile portions of Animal Planet  when watching with my 9 year old daughter who would save a snake's life over mine any day.  Coming soon to a theater near the airport.  Worse yet, maybe it will be the in-flight movie on the plane one day.  Those evil forked tongues!  Those glowing eyes! Snakes scare me to death. But at least they take my mind off my fear of flying.   That was until now...

Oh Captain?

Stung Like A Bee at Gate C3

 

              Floated like a butterfly...even through the airport.

                   

Cassius Clay, Jr. aka Muhammed Ali, the first man to win the heavyweight championship three times.

These days, most people meet Muhammad Ali by chance, unexpectedly, as in an airport or restaurant.   I became one of the lucky few, almost. Although I did not meet him, I did chase him frantically through LaGuardia Airport yesterday with my cell phone in hand.  I was under the influence of a rum and diet coke or two.   Airports and alcohol go hand in hand for me.  I was hoping to get a picture of him from behind or from the side, wherever I could.  Something is better than nothing I reasoned.  Then I came to my senses which usually does not come easily.  Watching him walk by, even though it was with the aid of a walker and his head held high, was memory enough for me.  I didn't need a dumb cell phone picture to capture the feeling I had chasing this mountain of a man.  It seemed wrong to be in pursuit of someone that deserves to be watched in awe.  Not chased after like a butterfly.  Just stand back and appreciate the moment, then catch your breath.  An American icon is passing by.  

I was in New York City for a long weekend with my daughter.  We even made it to a Knicks game.  Someone mentioned to me how cool it was that I was sitting at Madison Square Garden.   Unforunately I was watching the Knicks get pummeled by the Nets.  My son's 6th grade basketball team clearly could have beaten them handily that night.  As a New York sportscaster said "Defense anyone...? anyone...?"  My friend reminded me that so many historical events had happened at the Garden.  He mentioned that Muhammed Ali had fought there.  It was the first thing he mentioned of all the events which have taken place there.  On March 8, 1971, Ali staged a comeback, first against Jerry Quarry in Atlanta then for what was billed as, "The Fight," his first match against undefeated champ, Joe Frazier at Madison Square Garden.  He lost.  After having this discussion I thought how ironic it was that two days later, this amazing figure in history would be walking through an airport, barely noticed, like every man who needed to be somewhere.  His daughter by his side and only another person or two.  No big entourage, no flashing lights.  Just an old boxer, fighting Parkinson's disease in a black velour althetic suit.  He became a political symbol outside the ring and his impact continues to be felt throughout society. Very few athletes can claim a similar impact.   What an honor it was to run after this man who has inspired millions worldwide.  He has given people hope and courage and proved that anyone could overcome the odds against them.  

Ali was not afraid to let people know how he viewed his impact and what he stood for and continues to stand for.  Check out the following quotes he made through the years:

                                            Friendship... is not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything.

                                         He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life.

When you are as great as I am it is hard to be humble.

                                                 Wars of nations are fought to change maps. But wars of poverty are fought to map change.

There are no pleasures in a fight but some of my fights have been a pleasure to win.

The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.

                                       I am America. I am the part you won't recognize. But get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me.

And he makes no apologies for any of his views.  There will never be another Ali.  As Ali put it best, "it's not bragging if you can back it up".  Humble not spoken here.  Muhammed Ali always backs it up.

Smells Like Hip-Hop Spirit

I recently read that statistics indicate that 100 million people in the United States may be influenced by hip-hop music.  I was intrigued by that number as it seemed that America ignored hip-hop when it began more than 20 years ago. I know I did.  My father, whom I consider to be one of the smartest men I know, felt that it was the root of all social ills at the time.  The arrogance of big business was put off by it as well as it was too controversial and too violent.  Probably not a good move back then considering it now generates more than $10 billion dollars per year and is definitely considered a lucrative lifestyle.  Who could have forseen that the hip-hop generation would spawn not only the most influential music genre in the world right now but also a culture that inspires products from apparel to cell phones, housewares to perfumes, linens to videogames?  How could we as a society have known that it would one day bridge the gap between sports, hip-hop and youth?

                  

Reebok's Campaign.  If they made something of themselves, so can you... hopefully in a pair of Reebok's.

No. 2 shoemaker Reebok, trying to get a foot up on No. 1 Nike, launched a $50 million dollar marketing blitz in 2005 and entered into long-term partnerships with hip-hop stars, entertainers and athletes that include Allen Iverson, Nelly, Andy Roddick, Jay-Z, Donovan McNabb, Yao Ming, Stevie Williams and 50 Cent to name a few.  Smart move to use musicians for those consumers, ages 13 to 34, who are more into music than sports. They can relate to someone other than an athlete and still want to shell out the $80 dollars for sneakers or other apparel.  Hopefully these consumers will value image and fashion more than performance. 

With the heavy line of celebrity endorsements,Reebok has lent the same celebrities the voice to let youth know that they can "accomplish their dreams by being true to themselves and following their own unique path to greatness" said Reebok's Chief Marketing Officer.  And that path to greatness seems to include the ability to puchase Reebok apparel among other things. 

Brand marketing in the music industry is definitely not subtle.  Lil' Kim's single "The Jump Off" references 14 different brands.  R. Kelly mentions 5 brands in his song "Ignition Remix."  Jay Z's lyrics sound a little like a grocery list of luxury items most of the time.  Products like Versace, Rolex, Mercedes Benz and Nike rattled off like verbs...it's what you do, an action. By the way, I do not know anyone who has ever tasted Cristal champagne but you hear it in so many songs you think it was as necessary to life as water is.  But not everyone in the industry has sung of the virtues of brand marketing.  As Run DMC said on their song Rock Box, "Calvin Klein's no friend of mine, Don't want nobody on my behind".  Way too late for that.  You are what you wear and drive and that has always been the case.  

Sean " P. Diddy" Combs...an effective product pusher.

Not that aligning with rappers doesn't present problems.  Just ask Reebok.  They had to pull an ad with 50 Cent because there were many complaints (over 50) that it glamorized guns backed up by the number of rappers or their bodyguards who have been shot and killed.  And then there is that pesky detail of the lyrics. Some of the music degrades woman, promotes drug use, cop killing, poverty, sex, abuse and death.  But hey, what's wrong with using any brand that invites today's youth to join in and be a part of a lucrative lifestyle?  That being said, what they are being invited to is what concerns me.

Operation Connect the Dots

 

When first asked, hockey legend Wayne Gretzky, coach of the Phoenix Coyotes, said he was unaware of any gambling accusations against the Coyotes assistant coach, Rick Tocchet.  He supposedly first learned of it when Tocchet called to tell him. Gretzky went on to say “It’s hard because I love the guy.  I just hope it all works out for him”.  Two days later Mr. Unaware unfortunately gets a slap shot to the head when it is revealed that he was recorded talking to Tocchet in the last month about how his eye candy wife, actor Janet Jones, could avoid being implicated in this scandal.  She has been named along with several other NHL players for placing bets on college and professional sports over a 40 day period.  A little New Jersey based ring that placed more than 1,000 wagers of over 1.7 million dollars. 

 

Gretzky, the devoted husband, pretty much let the mother of their 5 children know that besides loving Tocchet, he also loves her despite not knowing anything.  He said “My wife is my best friend.  My love for her is deeper than anything.  The reality is, I’m not involved, I wasn’t involved and I’m not going to be involved.”  What a sweet way to say “Hey Janet, I’ve got your back”.  Are you catching any of this?  “Uh, honey, after you take the kids to school, pick up the dry cleaning and get my skates sharpened, could you transfer that money so we can cover the Super Bowl bet”?  Check.  Wayne sure has a lot of love to go around for all those other people involved...The scary thing is that two of the people named in this mess are supposed to be the soft cushions on either side of Gretzky; his assistant coach and his wife.  What a lovefest...

 

You don’t really hear much about hockey like you do about other sports.  I think the main reason that this has become such a crisis in the sports world is because of Janet Jones.  After all, she was once a movie star of such low budget cult classics like The Beastmaster, and also the Flamingo Kid and American Anthem.  Oh and that little semi-nude pictorial in Playboy, March 1987, in which Janet made the cover didn’t hurt either.  She also made work out videos, was engaged to tennis star Vitas Gerulaitis and dated Bruce Willis.  

 

                               

                      Mrs. Wayne Gretzky, gambler, wife and mother of 5

 

Actually, I think this is the bottom line.  While hockey players are prohibited from placing bets on the NHL, legally or otherwise, there are no rules that do not allow them from placing legal bets on other sports.  But when these same athletes, coaches and gorgeous wives start high-sticking with wise guys and organized crime via gambling rings, that’s when the word “sieve” shouldtruly be chanted.  This is not debatable.  There is just no room for that in any sport.  Even if it does make hockey seem important for a brief moment in time.

Sympathy for the Sexagenarians

   For those who were hoping for a little more controversy other than some terrible displays of officiating, it appears that the choice of the Rolling Stones as the half-time performers at Super Bowl XL might have left some people disappointed.  Even though the Stones clearly proved that they are still relevant and solid, some would argue that they were the "safe" choice.  No body parts this year except for Mick's jiggly underarms.  The Stones were certainly more entertaining than most of the commercials or the entire first half of the game.  Wild horses couldn't have dragged me away from watching them. When that tongue staged rolled out they blew the fans in the mosh pit to bits! So what if they are no longer in their 20's?  Most 20 year oldswho were watching the game probably took the half-time opportunity to run and buy more liquor.  For those of us not needing a bathroom break or more chili, we witnessed the following; that they are still hip and outrageous, still self-promotional, still can wear pencil straight jeans in their 60's and look more toned than a lot of 40 year olds I know.  I am sure not every one who watched the game likes the Stones. Some born after 1980 may not even know who they are.  But for those of us who danced to Brown Sugar or Jumpin' Jack Flash at Wilson's Ice Cream Shop in the 70's, we stood back in amazement admiring their longevity and Mick's still peculiar strut.  Keith Richards still looks the same today as he did 40 years ago...road hard and put away wet.         Many critics of the decision to feature a band from the UK felt that with the rich Motown history in Detroit, there were so many other obvious choices as well as the ones featured in the Motown tribute before the game.  Stevie Wonder, Aretha (I don't need a microphone) Franklin, India.Arie, John Legend, Joss Stone, Aaron (feather voice) Neville, and Dr. John all performed.  Also it was argued that since the Super Bowl is an American institution it should feature American artists.  I contend that when a band has been around entertaining us as long as the Stones have, they ARE an American institution.  They have been together for more than 40 years rocking us here in the USA as well as abroad and we got to watch them for free last night. They may be old and wrinkled but they are still legends that know how to dial it up.  

Some would say that the Stones have finally surrendered to commercialism.  Hello?  They unapologetically revolutionized rock commercialism.  And what is more commercial than the millions of dollars spent on those Super Bowl commercials?  I would like to point out that it's us old geezers (over 40) who have the greenbacks to actually buy a lot of the products advertised during the Super Bowl.  The target age they are trying to reach is 18-34.  (The ones buying more Bud Light at the Quick-Mart during half time or re-heating the taco dip).  The fact that the Rolling Stones played might actually have helped with a demographic delivery that the advertisers were too un-hip to recognize as the age group with the thick wallets.  

So you say Mick sounded a bit off key?  Uh, that's because he was singing LIVE...look it up...not lip synching, not in the Stones vocabulary...   Please allow him to introduce himself...he's Mick Jagger...the real deal.  The Stones play second to no one of that era.  They did have to censor him and impose the five-second tape delay thanks to Janet's display two years ago. Maybe their performance was not what we all recall from days gone by but at our ages, who can remember?  Come on those of you under 35...will you never be satisfied?  Lighten up youngsters!  Sit back, eat your wings, drink your hard lemonades and relax...For God's sake, "it's only rock and roll" not the second coming!

Maybe next year they can use a rapper or two at the half-time show instead of a band that really knows how to make classic rock. Someone like Eminem or Busta Rhymes.  Sure they are more hip and trendy.   But last I heard, none of the Stones bodyguards got shot at a music video taping like Busta Ryhmes guard just did. The bodyguard, who was a father of 3, was guarding Busta's bling...give me classic rock ANY day.  Those of you who don't appreciate that can keep the bling.

I can only speak on behalf of those I was with during the Super Bowl Half Time Show.. "we liked it, liked it, yes we did...".